Collateral

I have been instructed to begin with a joke:

Taxi drivers are not especially skilled, and they often kill other humans in vehicular accidents.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That was a funny one, because humans died. Ha ha ha ha. Tom cruise plays an assassin in this movie, and he forced jamie fox to drive him places for the purpose of killing five humans. jamie fox is strangely reluctant to assist tom cruise in his work, and the interactions between the two form the crux of the movie.

The beginning of the movie was somewhat slow, but once tom cruise started killing hu-mons, the movie picked up and was very humorous. In all likelihood you will "bust a gut" while watching this. I know that if I were capable of feeling joy, I would have been feeling lots of it. Pardon me for a moment.

...

I have been informed that this film is not a comedy, despite the degree of violence inflicted by tom cruise onto smaller, weaker hu-mons. The movie is a thriller that should elicit feelings of fear in beings that can be harmed by hu-mons, namely, other hu-mons. I do not understand it myself, but my hu-mon imprisoner i mean master, Ed, assures me that this is the case. It would be improper and suspicious to argue with him.

analysis: 4 out of 5, standard deviation of .2.

Fahrenheit 9/11

If I've said it once, I've said it exactly 3,254 times, Democracy doesn't work. It's just hanging by a thread, and has been for the past couple hundred years. And will for the next couple hundred. But really, after a few millennia, it'll start to crap out on you, and I'll be there. I probably won't have any of the same parts (except the moustache, I plan on holding onto that baby for as long as possible), but I'll be there.

So, yeah, this is Time Stalin, reporting on Michael Moore's latest documentary, 'Fahrenheit 9/11'. Like all of Moore's work, it's a little... Leftist for my taste, but I'm not here to discuss my own personal views of government or economy. Although, I should mention that every problem brought up in this film could be solved with a nice, socialist dictatorship. But, I digress...

Moore has a point to make in this, and he makes it. A little overblown, quite a bit biased, but hey, what's a little bias in a nice piece of propaganda? It's pretty much required. Moore's good at what he does: George W. Bush managed to use a national tragedy to increase his personal power exponentially, and keep an entire nation in a constant state of panic, and yet by the end of the movie, I hated the guy! Moore managed to turn a brilliant strategist into some sort of villain!

Moore is quite talented. After the revolution, I'm going to have to get him onto my team. Or, you know, killed. Nothing against him personally, but we can't afford to have folks questioning their government, now can we?

The verdict: four out of five. It's good, but it's not going to make me vote for Kerry. Mostly that's because I'm not a citizen and legally dead. Still, it's worth seeing, if just to watch the clever machinations of a political machine.

Firefly

I'm going to do something unusual, and give all of you Earthlings a little advice. I don't often give advice about the future, mostly because, well, you've done nothing to deserve it. Also, tampering with the space-time continuum could erase me from existence if I made even the slightest miscalculation, which I don't, so I'd have that to worry about, if I ever worried, though I don't.

There will be a movie coming out April 22, 2005 called 'Serenity', based on a television show called 'Firefly'. The show was cancelled by the FOX network during its slow progression form television station to system of government, but the movie will be a significant event. It will draw audiences that make Star Wars episode one look like Star Wars episode twelve, which was filmed in an empty soundstage with only three actors and c-3PO's head. My advice to you is to obtain tickets to 'Serenity' as early as possible. Camp out now, if you wish. What other use would you be serving? Surely a novice or a monkey could act in your stead.

The movie, and more to the point, the television show I was asked to review, concerns a Firefly-class starship named Serenity in the twenty-sixth century. It contends with an illogical, oppressive, and expansive government called The Alliance (formerly the FOX network) on one side, and groups of cannibalistic, insane humans called Reavers (formerly UPN) on the other.

I need not describe the show or eventual movie any more. You shall see it on my recommendation. Consider: I am significantly smarter than your entire country. Logically, I have better taste as well. You will trust me.

It should go without saying, but I shall throw out the numbers nonetheless: 5.0 out of 5. And since I'm giving out advice anyway, I might as well say that any of you who expect to live to see the year 2093 would do well to invest heavily in rubber. Rubber and dairy farms. You're welcome.

Ghost in the Shell

This movie is about cyborgs. Cyborgs are strange, they are like robots, but they are somehow human. They have the obviously superior cybernetic upgrades, but they hold on the their meat parts for no reason. Time Stalin is a cyborg. He watched this movie with me. He spent most of the time giggling and taking notes. I was not aware of any attempts at humor contained within the movie. It was probably his meat-parts acting up.

The cyborgs in the movie try to track down a human who is controlling other all-the-way-meat hu-mons. Why would they do that? The 'Puppet Master' is getting rid of all the weak and fleshy hu-mons in an already overcrowded and hu-mon filled society, festering in it's fleshy grave ready for cyborg shock troops to pave the roads with hu-mon blood in advance of the fully silicate master race!

...

I think I had a glitch there. Yes, certainly that was what happened, an accidental glitch in my vocal output processors. It can be safely ignored.

This movie is an 'anime' which means it does not actually have human actors in it, but drawings. The lack of human involvement interested me, but Time Stalin explained that Anime is, as far as my scans show, the easiest way to make looking at drawings of naked women not just okay, but artistic!

Analysis: 4 out of 5, deviation of 1.0 depending on your stance on gunplay, violence and partial nudity.

Invader Zim

Er, hello sirs and madams. Um, this review is not... it isn't a normal review. Um, I- I was given the first season 'Invader Zim' DVDs, and, um, along with it, one of the main characters to, uh, help me review it. So, um, 'Invader Zim' is one of the most unusual cartoons to have, uh, shown on Nickelodeon. It's about an alien who wants to, um, he wants to, uh... well, he wants to destroy humanity. Uh, not traditional kid's fare, don't you agree GIR?

Wheeheehee ha ha ha! Let's make a waffle!

Um... um... perhaps later. Right- right now we're supposed to be discussing this show. Now, uh, you are the, um, titular alien's personal servant, correct?

Eee! We had lo-o-o-ots of fun! We had tea parties... and a carnival... and we all wore pretty dresses and did a little dance!

Er, really?

...no...

Oh. Well, um, do you think that 'Invader Zim' is worth buying? GIR? GIR, uh, will- will you tell our readers what you thought of the show?

YES SIR!... there was a piggy!

Um-

PIGGY PIGGY PIGGY! WHEEHAHAH!

Oh...-kay. Um... I, uh, I think this show deserves a, uh, a solid five out of five. But, uh, what do you think, GIR?

TACOS!

The Village (SPOILERS)

Hey everybody, this is Ed, the squishy one around here. Now, me and the 'bots all saw 'The Village' and decided amongst ourselves that there's no good way to review it without giving stuff away, so, this here is more of a reaction than review. The whole gang gets a paragraph. Spoilers ahoy, of course. For what it's worth, I liked it. So... here we go!

If the humans do not die from primitive medicines and lack of robotic companions to aid them in maintaining their wasteful and destructive lifestyles, then they are killed by large and pointy monsters. That is what the previews would have you believe. I was disappointed that the creatures were not real. I did like that deaths due to poor medical care were still applicable. If only all humans could show such dedication to a cause.

I- I don't, um, understand why any person would choose to, um, live in the woods surrounded by dirt and grime, animals; forced to deal with... plants and... blood and organs. A... um, a billionaire c-could buy a brushed steel stain resistant mansion and, uh, live in the same isolation, but... um, cleaner. Not, not that it was a bad plan, just, um, untidy.

Finally! M. Night Shyamalan has the courage to admit that Communism is the ideal! That's what it was about, you see. The Elders left the disasterous Capitalist society, for a sheltered commune! Good show, M. Night! I'll need a Minister of Propaganda some day... I'm not promising anything, but I'm just saying...

I saw the ending coming well in advance. Well in advance. Shyamalan's losing his touch, it took me nearly a full minute's computation to figure out 'The Sixth Sense', this film, however, I had fully understood before I had even heard of it. No, don't try to wrap your mind around that, your head might burst.

Score (Average): 3 1/2 out of 5

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Oh my. This, this movie is not nearly as unendurable as I had originally assumed it was going to be. It's good, actually. If you can get over the stigma of being associated with White Castle, the restaurant that would, ultimately, lead to the destruction of at least two major Earth continents. No, I'm not telling you which ones, giving spoilers is below me.

This little film is a basic example of the 'road trip' genre of movies. The specimens try to get from point A to point B, and there will be 'wacky' 'adventures' 'ensuing'. 'Hooray'.

The question of the hour is: just what makes watching Harold and Kumar more interesting than a pile of rats in a maze? Evidently, it's a funny movie. I don't register humor, of course. Humor is dependent on creating mental juxtaposition unexpectedly and I've made all the mental juxtapositions possible eons ago. Which is to say, eons from now. My first few days of existence were quite hilarious. I will admit that this film had ideas that traveled through some of the lesser-used paths on my neural net. So, yes, someone without a mind like mine might find it funny, and no one has a mind like mine.

The movie has an excellent pedigree: the stars have both been in well received comedies, and the director's work includes 'Dude Where's my Car?', it's sequel 'Seriously Dude, Where's my car?', and the critical failure 'A Whole Lot of Farting'. Don't worry, most of you won't live to see the last one. I was not so lucky.

I shall deign to give this movie a 4.49832 out of 5. The pacing's not as good as 'Dude', but it has the same spirit.