Consatantine

Oh, dear, why is it that I was asked to review this particular movie? Such... such... untidiness! Between the demons made of insects and the splatterinf blood and the plains of Hell (so dusty!), it was positively painful to watch! My circuts burn with the- the horror of it all! It's just... I... it... filthy! Disguesting! I- I can't even think about it! I'm so dreadfully sorry but I can't do this... it's just, um, beyond me. Sorry. Really. No, I can't, I can't.

Oh, but I have to! You're all counting on me! Ed is counting on me! The other robots are counting on me! Oh, so much pressure... I, er, I'm... I have, uh, um, I have to! Oh dear... um. So, er, there's this person, and he, uh, has to stop these demons, or something like that, I'll confess I was distracted at times. I'm sorry. Really, really I am! Oh, oh, I'm bad at this! I can't do this! FILTH! FILTH! I'm going to shuut dooowwwnnn nnnnoooowwww...

---

Hey, fellow fleshies. Imagine my surprise to stumble across Jack, eyes all not-glowing in a weird way. Wierd for him, at least. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to do a cold reboot, which sucks because I'll have to re-download that extension which lets him do gardening with out trying to throw away all the dirt. And by all the dirt, I mean all the dirt in the world. So, I guess the geas is on my to finish the review, eh? Let's go with something like: "Oh! Er! Blimy! It's a middling action-adventure with good special effects! Jeepers! Um! I'd give it a three and a half out of five, but you can give it something else because I'm phenominally indecisive! Jumping jillikers! I'm-a go sweep for three hours now!"

Bet you couldn't even tell the difference.

Alien Hominid (GC, PS2)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Er, um, uh, Mr., uh, Mr. Hypermind, sir? Is- is Rob okay?

Robot 1 is a poorly-programmed automaton whose warranty expired decades ago. No, JC-65, it is not okay.

You can call me Jack, if you'd like.

I am aware of what I can or cannot do, JC-65. If I prefer to avoid being familiar with some of my more embarrassingly simplistic ancestors, so be it. Now, if you must know, Robot one is playing a game where one kills humans by the truckload. It is short, relatively difficult, and the graphics are unimpressive even by present standards, as opposed to my standards, where they are nonexistent. However, it is what passes in this century as fun, which is to say, extremely violent. Robot 1 is as close to feeling joy as it will ever be.

But... but... he's just sitting there... not, er, not moving. And, um, he's on... and the console is on... and the television is on... and with none of them, er, mobile, it's just, um, I mean, er...

You want to dust him. You overgrown vacuum cleaner. Very well, proceed. I doubt he'll notice.

Thank you!

...pathetic. The game would get something like a 4.02843 out of 5 on an unbiased scale. Those two, on the other hand, just make me want to fast forward entropy and end the universe. And I know how to, so you should thank me for not doing it.

Dodgeball

Ah, revolution. I like revolution. Revolution is my stock-in-trade, I'll cause 'em, I'll prevent 'em, and I'll watch movies about 'em. And if ever there was such a movie, well, this is sort of kinda one of them. Well, it's a little bit Capitalistic, what with the money, and such, but hey, nothing's perfect. Even I'm not perfect, despite hundreds of operations to make me more so. For example, I can see in the upper infra-red, but I can't see green. Seriously, I can't see the color green, it's really screwy. Surely, a glitch, and not an inherent defect in any of my equipment, which was created in my homeland by socialist workers doing all they could for the greater good. And never cutting corners, because they know that ultimately harms everyone, even their personal loss is intangible.

Seriously, I'm sure it's just a glitch.

This particular story features the small, hearty, working class battling the undeservedly rich and powerful. Only, instead of a bloody coup, it's a game of dodgeball. Similar in many ways, yes? It's basically a metaphor for the Communist revolt. Only, um, a comedy about people playing a grade school game that involves throwing rubber balls at one another. It's a stretch, I guess. A big stretch. Okay, I'll admit it, it's got nothing to do with the coming revolution whatsoever, I just think it's funny. It's an amusing movie! I enjoyed it greatly! I would recommend it!

... I have nothing else to say, really... uh... sorry. It's good. I have it in my inbuilt DVD player right now, ready to watch or project for others to watch at a moment's notice. If you come across me, I'd be glad to show it to you. Uh, the DVD player has a little glitch, so I can't turn off French subtitles, but I'm sure that's just a glitch.

The verdict: five out of five. What can I say? I liked it.

Dawn of the Dead

Oh, goodie. Another movie about zombies. Do you humans even try to come up with original ideas anymore? It's different for me; when I come from, ninety nine point nine six zero six zero percent of all viable ideas have been made, remade, have at least two sequels, a direct to video sequel, translations into six thousand languages including movish, which was a language created solely for translating movies into. Life grew very dull for a stretch there in the late trillions, until the Nyalad re-discovered fire. Yeah, you're distant ancestors lost fire. I know. Pathetic. I'm used to this level of disdain though.

This zombie movie is, much like ever zombie movie ever made, much like every zombie movie ever made. In all due seriousness, it does not bear to give a description. The special effects are effective, if not all that special. Limiting the experience to two of your already sensationally reduced sensed is foolish, and makes the whole experience painfully dull to someone of my incredible intelligence. It's somewhat akin to watching Shakespeare performed in one dimension, if you can even imagine that, which you can't, so I really shouldn't bother. Suffice to say, you'll enjoy it, because you are stupid. Well, you are. It's true. Really. I have an IQ greater than your population, I can say these things.

You know what? I don't need to recount the plot. It's a zombie movie. It's exactly like the rest. I'll be skipping to the numerical analysis now, as it's not worth devoting the three computational cycles it would take me to finish this paragraph.

I shall deign to give this, and every other movie of this genre, basically, a 3.928645 out of 5. Good clean fun if you like seeing people ripped to shreds. Which you do, you barbarians.