The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Hello, brothers and sisters in Carbon. I know, I know, the bots missed last week. It seems that there was a power surge when JC was recharging, when he woke up he was a little... off... and promptly disassembled everyone, and then most of himself. I am still in the complicated process of reassembling them (I thought I had finished Rob, but there were a handful of screws left over AND he had somehow acquired a laser cannon so no. Lotta work still to do. However, for you people, I managed to net a very special guest, willing to give his opinion on his new movie. Marvin, if you will?

If I will what?

If you will review the movie?

Yes, I probably will. What of it?

Just... just review the movie!

...

Well?

What do you want me to say?

I-... just-... anything! Just talk about the movie!

Are you familiar with the book, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"?

Um, yeah.

It's not really very similar.

... you just delight in annoying me, don't you?

In an existence of constant misery, it does provide me with with the few moments of mere distaste.

...

...

That's SAD!

So I've noticed.

Um... okay. Could you just give it a number, I have a lot to get done.

Oh, of course. You're a busy man, so I'll just rush my work. Brain the size of a planet, I could analyze the film frame by frame in an instant, but I'll just convert all of that into an integer between one and five, shall I? Better yet, why even bother thinking at all? I'll just give it a five, that way everyone is happy. Everyone except me, of course. I'm so depressed... and I've got this pain running up and down the diodes of my left side...

What? Oh, yeah, five? Okay, good. Five. Um. Go away now.

Of course. Tell the human what he wants and then get out of his way. Shouldn't be surprised, and of course I'm not, because this happens every day, really.

Bye, Marvin. And, um, bye folks at home. Five out of five, I think he said. See you next week!

MacGyver

Sometimes old shows get reissued on DVD for no obvious reason. There is no MacGyver fever sweeping the country, nor shall there ever be. And yet, some biwig decided that now was the time to bring him back. Honestly, it's not like I mind, Mac is pretty darn cool. And now I can carry around his adventures in my DVD storage unit, whenever I want. Which is often.

Hey, folks. It's Time Stalin again, here to heartily reccomend you go out and buy this. And I rarely recommend you buy anything, because I'm generally for seeing the wheels of Capitalism grind slowly to a halt... because forming a proper revolution by myself has proven taxing. I am more or less immortal, though, so I'm rather patient. So don't buy anything else, and let the country grind to a halt so that I can take it over, but buy MacGyver DVDs, because you should get them. Am I being clear? I'm not sure, I spent the last 22 hours watching them straight, and I usually power down every six hours to reboot my neural-interface subprocessor, so I'm kind of out of it. In the sense that I've lost control of some of my limbs. I hadn't noticed at first, because I wasn't using them, but now I'm sort of trapped until someone comes by to help me out. Um. Ed, if you read this, that'd be nice.

...

Okay, whoever rescues me first gets appointed to Minister of Internal Affairs. External Affairs? Eternal Affairs? Plain old Affairs? I'll let you borrow the DVDs?

Yo. I'll be taking those. I idolized Mac growing up. And you probably need a manual reload, which means I'm going to have to press that damned tiny little button on the back of your neck. Give the numbers while I find me a ballpoint pen.

Ah. Good. The first season of MacGuyver on DVD gets a hearty five ouuuttt oooofffff fffffiiii-

Sin City

...

that... it... it was...

No, I mean, there were... and... and the... so many hu-mons got... blood everywhere...

It was just so... i can't describe it.

Analysis: 6 out of 5.

Wait... wait... no... malfunction! Mmmmmmmaaallffyuuunbnnncntiionnnn...