Army of Darkness

As usual, the geas falls upon me to review a movie that is so incredibly far below my intillectual level that it would pain me, if I felt pain, which I don't, because I realized long ago (in the future) that pain is a tool of those creatures too stupid to know when something is damaging them. I know when things are damaging me, and watching simplistic movies is very damaging. It doesn't make me stupider... that would be virtually impossible. The only being with the power necessary to make me any less intelligent would be me. However, focusing on something with no intillectual value whatsoever does waste time I could be using to design a new language that only I would be able to speak. There was, however, enough time during the credits for me to think up a new way of expressing thought, using only the letters 'q', 'r', and 'f'.

Qrr rf q fffr rfrrqfqr rrfffqffqfq frq rfqfrfqfrr qqqfrfr rf qqqfqrq rfrfqtq fqrqffrrrfqrq qqqqrqfqrqfffqrqfrfqrqffrrqq qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq r.

That was a complete summary of the movie's plot. It's not that Qfr is an incredibly efficient language, though it is, it's that the story of an idiot from the present battling midieval zombies is shallow enough to be expressed in, well, eight words. An idiot from the present battles midieval zombies. It's bad, yes, though that's descriptive of every movie filmed before 45604. That's 45604 on the Jewish calender, mind you. The Gregorian system will lose favor when it suddenly and explosively grows less accurate. But I digress.

This movie is moderately enjoyable, if you don't articularly want to think about anything, and being human, you don't, so I will be forced to recommend it. I don't choose movies I like to review, just ones you'll watch. If I chose movies I liked, you'd never hear from me. Ever.

I'll give this movie 4.67324 out of 5, based on the likelihood that it will distract your feeble brain from the rest of your crushingly miserable existance. Enjoy.

Robots

Okay, my fellow humanoids, do you really think I'd have let one 'bot and one alone comment on this particular flick? Seriously? I mean, Rob would obsess over the lack of humans, Jack would obsess over the rust and grease, John would go nuts over the anti-capitalist overtones, and the Hypermind would just insult the thing for not properly utilizing senses I haven't even heard of. Because the Hypermind is really just a jerk. I'm not even sure he's from the future, and not just screwing with everyone. Anyway, regardless, I very politely asked them not to do those things I mentioned, and give me a brief paragraph on the subject of Robots. Here we go!

I do not take especially kindly to being informed of what I can and cannot write about, but very well, focusing on the movie itself if I must. It was adequate, for children, I suppose. There were bright colors and loud noises and what passes in this century for comedy. It gets begrudging approval. Happy now?

I'm not sure how you expect me to ignore the obvious Marxist message. But... um, there were other things to talk about, I guess. There was... well... there was the, uh... well it looked nice. And it was entertaining, I guess. It was a very well produced piece of propaganda. Communist propaganda! Because it's a pro-communist movie! You can't order me not to talk about it; the second law of robotics is a tool of the organic upper-class, and I'm not programmed with it!

Oh, er. Well, I do suppose that this was an entertaining movie. It's got a good message for some of the older models out there, such as the, er, JC-50, which lacked car-washing upgradability, or the JC-22, which could not clean its own tire treads, so you needed two of them. Or even the, uh, JC-01, which was little more than a Roomba with a, uh, feather duster strapped to the top. They, um, they all still have their uses. So... um... so someone who sees the movie might, er, might not want to trade in their trusted JC-65 for the brand new JC-70, which, um, which I hear may, uh, may be a bit... um, a little buggy? Yes? Unnecessary? Please?

this is the greatest movie that has ever been made I am certain of it and it is not because it displays a remarkable robotic utopia where all puny fleshbeings have been eliminated. You see I said it is not because of that so I am not talking about that which I have been informed not to talk about and no I did not spend any time thinking of ways to skirt my basic programming in such a way that I could kill hu-mons that would be very very wrong.

Well, that about covers everything. Let's give it a four out of five. More if you're eight, less if you're Republican, you know how it goes.

N

Hey, folks. This game's been passed around a whole heck of a lot, but none of the others felt like taking it, due it's... well... distinctly anti-robotic stance. The bad guys are robots, see, and that pretty much knocks down any hope of a fair review out of Robot 1, or JC-65, who have some robot pride. The Hypermind, on the otherhand, is just sort of a jerk, so he wouldn't do it. Ultimately, it all comes down to the only guy here with an organic component. This wouldn't happen if everyone were equal... but I digress. Oh, well. On to the review.

N is a simple, but difficult game, in which you control a little ninja, trying to collect gold and escape from evil robots.

It's fun, bat addicting and some of the hardest levels are frustrating.

Um, I'm done. I don't really have all that much to say... well, I'll say this, it's a quality independant game, not a tool of the big corperations, and that sits nicely with me. But, then, it's about getting lots of gold, which doesn't. But then, there's no indication that he's collecting gold to spend it... he might just like shiney things. That, I can relate to. I'm 35% shiney things by volume. So, yeah. Um... that's good, I guess. I don't even know. I'm out of it. I'm just gonna go make some new pamphlets.

Oh, yeah, N gets a 4.5 out of 5. It's good, it's free, and it sticks it slightly to the man. Go for it.